MEMORIES OF A TEENAGER
Well, another new start in another school. More strangers to face and hope
that I'll be accepted as one of them. I hope it'll be different this time.
Maybe, since it's a country school, the kids won't be as judgemental. Hah!
Dream on, self!
Up at 5:30 to meet the bus at 6. A whole hour in the bus! Agh! I ALWAYS
get motion sick. Followed by a whole day of new faces!
Maybe it's lucky that there are so few on the bus this early. The 4 or 5
already there really stared but said nothing when I climbed on. They just
stared out the window or glanced up and went on talking between themselves.
Maybe it's just that it's so early...
Oh great, almost all the desks are taken in the classroom. Luckily, the
teacher is already calling the roll, so there are only a few whispers here
I'm going to try out for choir. I love singing! But I hate gym, and as I
expected, there are lots of skinny girls here. Oh my God, we have to work
on the trampoline, parallel bars, balance beam and horse! I'll never make
Meanwhile, I'm determined that I'm not going to be teased anymore about my
lack of interest in boys. There's one in my homeroom who's kinda cute. I
heard him called R. Once I know some of the girls better, I'll find outmore
There's HOPE! Two or three girls gave me a smile when my name was called!
Maybe my luck's looking up!
We've been here a few months and have decided to throw a party to get to
know our neighbors a bit better. We kids have decided on a halloween barn
party. There's a neat rope that swings from one loft to the other and lots of
hay bales to land on. We've raked it out below, and carved pumpkins and
strung apples for bobbing.
...Everyone seems to be having a great time! At least those daring enough
to join in. The snacks and music seem to be welcome, too. So maybe this'll
cut some of the ice; here's hoping!! I think the guests all had a lot more
fun than I did.
--Ugh! There's this girl on the bus who is too weird by half: she LOVES to
gossip and the wilder the stories, the better. She latches on to someone
on the bus and won't leave them alone til she gets off. She's caught me a
time or two. Besides being weird, she has these terrible clawlike hands
with fingernails over an inch long, yellow and curved in toward her palms.
She's always filing away at them. She gives me the willies!
--K is holding a sleepover party. It might be fun! But her mother is
sure paranoid! We have to whisper and make no mess and stay in the basement.
I didn't realize her family was so strange! Now it's more understandable
why K is always so nervous and exciteable.
--It is so good to be able to go into my room and be private! I like to
be able to think about things in peace and quiet, to examine my favorite
things, to daydream and compare song lyrics to my life and longings, and
I've been too self-concious to write my most secret thoughts in a diary
for I'm afraid they'll be found and read by someone else. That would be
so awful, so humiliating! So it's all just in my head and in the music I
love to listen to.
The music makes me long for love and intimacy, for someone to cherish me,
but doesn't give me any clue as to how to find that someone or even if I
ever will. Maybe someone ugly like me would be better off as a nun. But
I get so mad and obstinate when religiosos PUSH me to commit to their church
and beliefs. And, I would like to have babies, anywhere from 6 to a dozen,
both my own and adopted. It's so important to me to do something about
unwanted children, or abused children. I can't understand why anyone would
treat a child badly!
I'm having so much fun in Latin class. It's a challenge to make sense out of
the texts we read. Our instructor may be old, but she's good at teaching
and very encouraging. And the translations are getting easier over time.
I wish we could take more than 2 years' worth. But Spanish should be fun,
too. It's a beautiful language and so many of the words are similar to
English. Plus, the instructor there is also fun!
Today was sobering. W died last night. She was one of the most popular
girls, rather haughty to anyone outside her click. She developed pneumonia
and died in a few hours. Her family must be devastated. The whole class
is invited to a viewing. I'll go, but not because she was a close friend.
It's just hard to believe that one so young could die just like that! ...
I didn't like the make-up job they did on her. The colors were all wrong.
I think open casket viewings should be abolished! Yes, death is a part
of the life cycle but remembering moments of life rather than death seems
a better memorial for lost loved ones or acquaintances. I don't think I'll
ever put my loved ones through such an ordeal. Either closed casket or
cremation would be my option.
I didn't know W very well. Her friends seem really affected by her death,
so perhaps she was a good person. All we others can do is to show our
respect and offer our condolences to her family - we all signed the
guestbook - and try not to take life so much for granted. It's still hard
to believe one so young could die, just like that! (snap fingers)
Today was not the best of days. Dad was working on the car. He had his
hands full, so wanted me to sit in the driver's seat. I scrambled in -
my first time. He asked me if I knew the difference between the brake and
gas pedals. I thought I did but when he told me to hit the brake, well,
my foot hit the wrong pedal and now the garage door needs fixing.
I feel really bad! Dad didn't say much, but I know he was disappointed
in me. And I don't know of anything I can do or say. I don't expect
him to ask for my help again anytime soon. And that makes me feel useless
and no more than a burden. I feel bad for us both!
--Today we were divided into two-man teams in history class. I was teamed
with CeeCee. She's VERY smart but so intense that she's very off-putting,
but I was ready to give it a try. When Mr. W then said we could choose
our own topics to do reports and presentations on, I turned to consult with
CeeCee to find her already on her feet and announcing "we'd" be doing
space flight. No consultation! No asking if I was interested in it or
not! Then she just sat down and stared at me for a moment, expressionless,
before burying her face in her books.
Nothing was said, then or later. There was no collaboration. She simply
stood up, made the presentation with authority and enthusiasm and "we"
got an A. Big surprise! Duh.. But we never have spoken since then or
CeeCee has brains and, obviously, interests but she doesn't know how to
get along with others. She'll probably get into some highly technical or
scientific job, by herself as usual, except when exchanging or critiquing
The thought makes me uncomfortable! So cold and isolated! I hope I'm
wrong. But I sure hope I don't end up like that!
I know I've been bitchy about this, but I hate being ignored and
manipulated simultaneously. And she didn't even care that I didn't take
I can't believe the dress code here! It's in the low teens outside and
the girls still have to wear skirts or dresses! A bunch of us are sending
round a petition for students and their parents to sign to get this changed.
Gods, this morning I accidentally touched the metal mailbox and my finger
froze to it! That's how cold out it was. It burned! And two days last
week the bus couldn't get up the hill or around the bend, among other
places all over this county. So school was cancelled.
I put on extra socks and sweater and crawled back under the bedcovers!
Then Dad came in and said the water pipes were frozen again and the furnace
won't stay lit. Gods, but it's cold! Mom turned on the oven in the
kitchen with the door open and made us all hot chocolate and oats. That
warmed us up briefly, but we soon were all crouching under extra blankets
while Dad defrosted the pipes and got the furnace working again.
At least the animals in the barn are okay, altho the water buckets had
ice on top that needed breaking before we could water the stock.
And it's all so beautiful outside, white and sparkly with icicles hanging
and snow drifted everywhere. The plows tried to go through once but got
stuck around the bend. Few cars make it up the hill; it's so steep and
full of drifts.
I hope this cold snap lets up soon. Mom and Dad both remember worse
winters out west, but this is worse than any I remember experiencing in
town. I love it! The vastness, the stillness, the way the snow changes
the landscape, the isolation, COUNTRY LIFE!
Wednesday was strange. We sat down to a test in civic class and while the
test papers were being distributed down the rows, D, who sits to my left,
all of a sudden went still as a mouse. Her eyes went blank and rolled
back a little; it was like she was hypnotized! Then she snapped out of it
and acted as though nothing had happened. I asked B about her after class
and found out that D is an epileptic. She had had a minor seizure when I
happened to glance her way - petite mal is what the seizure is called.
D's such a pretty girl and very popular. It was startling to find out
that she has a serious condition.
One doesn't think of the "pretty people" having problems, especially like
that! The teachers must know, for they never make any comments when these
episodes happen. They just get on with class and focus attention away
from her. I've witnessed several seizures since.
--Dad brought home three siamese cats. They are beautiful! Two weaned
kittens and a grown tom. I don't know...I like the kittens but the tom
is making me nervous! He seems to have adopted me, and my bed. He takes
over my room when I'm at school and a couple of times I've woken up to
him lying on my chest and patting my cheek - thank God with claws
--That's the last straw! The tom has "marked" my bed as his territory -
he peed on it! Peeyoo!!
--At last! Dad took the cats away. I am so relieved! But it's going to
take a long while before the smell goes away..
I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't get warm, no matter how close to
the furnace I sit, and I can't seem to catch my breath. No energy.. Mom
and Dad aren't home so I'm 'babysitting' but I can't say or do anything.
Luckily, the kids aren't fighting or giving me any grief. I feel kinda
tingly and dizzy...The furnace fumes are awful!
Mom and Dad just came home. They took one look at me and bundled me into
the car and took me to the emergency room. We didn't have to wait..
The doctor has given me a shot which is making it easier to breathe.
--Seemingly, I suffer from asthma. I had to be tested for allergies, over
30 all over my back. The itch is driving me crazy! I have to have monthly
shots and take Isuprel when I have an attack. The Isuprel helps me breathe
again, but afterwards my heart beats double time and I feel so tired..
Hmph. Here's an idea.. My sister and I are going into business. We're
going to sell eggs and share the proceeds. The chicken coop is out back.
We lined up several neighbors as customers and most of them we can walk to.
It's only for the summer though. Then we'll stop and prepare the chickens
--It's like an assembly line in the kitchen! Dad wrung the necks; T
plucked; I cleaned and scraped out the innards; Mom cut the fryers into
pieces. Then we wrapped them in plastic, put some in the freezer and sold
the rest. It took awhile but was sorta neat working all together like a
But I'm not sorry to put this experience behind me. Chickens are mean
tempered birds and I did most of the feeding and collecting!
Much as I love living in the country, there are a few disadvantages. Like
yesterday. This is an old house, over 100 years old and the water pipes
are kinda tricky. If someone is taking a bath or washing their hair,
we've learned that one can't turn on the cold water in the kitchen at the
same time - learned the hard way!
I was washing my hair in the bathroom and my little brother turned on the
kitchen tap to get a glass of water. Gods, but that hurt! Scalding hot
water poured over my scalp and I let out a scream. Mom came running and
got the cold water running again. My little brother sure was scared! His
eyes were so big and his face very white. Luckily, I moved from under the
water after only a moment so while I got singed and am tender, I didn't get
Another disadvantage is that it's almost impossible to visit friends after
school and on weekends if one can't drive. Once or twice I went home with
a friend on the bus and stayed overnight. That was fun but happens too
seldom. But when it does happen, we share confidences - mostly I listen
and supply moral support and sympathy. (I like being trusted.) Seems like
this has been my role for a very long time. I don't mind listening. I
seldom have anything to talk about anyway. I wonder if it will always be
This week was really fun in English class! We split up into groups to
make mock newspapers in the time of the Romans. We had to come up with
newsworthy articles and write them and assemble them on a poster. Then
each group presented their poster. I helped in several areas in my
group: types of articles, wrote one article. helped with the layout and
writing on the poster. I loved it!! -- a career idea?
Mr. H asked me to teach his class tomorrow! I feel so flattered and proud!
I just hope the kids will cooperate. I've no problem with the material
and Mr. H left slides for illustrations. My lab partner will probably
cut up some, but maybe I'll catch their attention enough to get through
the chapter review without major interruptions...
--Hurrah! I did it! It wasn't so bad after all! Still, I'm not used to
being the center of attention. I'll be glad to go back to my desk and
watch from there.
--It hasn't been easy for my parents. There are so many of us! And Dad
had to switch jobs and sometimes isn't called out everyday. He and Mom are
pretty edgy lately. I need to find a job and start taking some of the
burden off of them!
I started driving lessons, even though I dread them. It'll make getting
a job easier. Both Dad and Mom have taken me out to practice. I think I
make Mom more nervous than Dad, but luckily neither yells at me when I'm
behind the wheel.
I took L's advice and have started brushing my hair a hundred strokes each
night. It sure makes a difference! My hair is long and straight and smooth
and soft. Even my brother noticed! Now if I could just lose the glasses
and some of this weight!
Well, I got my license. I'm still not too great at parallel parking
but don't need to do it very often. And, I've gotten a job! Three
afternoons a week after school doing house chores for a woman with a bad
back. It's not hard. Her house is easy to maintain and she always has a
list of what she needs done each time. It's easy money. Her son is my
age but we run in totally different circles. I like his mom.
On work days, I get to drive to school; sure beats taking the bus! It
gives me more of a sense of freedom, too. and there's never much traffic
on these back roads, so I can turn the radio on and sing along as I go.
Very relaxing! Plus, with the extra money, I don't have to ask Mom and
Dad for things; I can buy them myself! Every little bit helps! I buy gas,
I've gotten a summer job babysitting at the bottom of the hill and around
the bend. An easy bike ride. Of course, it's not so easy going back up,
but each day I get a little farther before I have to stop pedalling and
start walking. And limiting what I eat seems to be having an affect on my
weight, too. I'll never be skinny but I think I'll look better than before.
a.m.: It's really hot out but we need to tend the garden. I don't want
Dad and Mom to do it all by themselves.
afternoon: The others have gone in but I want to keep on weeding. There's
alot to do yet. The sun is getting higher and hotter. It really burns on
..I'm getting a headache. Maybe I'll stop for awhile.. Ohh, I feel so bad!
Nauseous and cold and feverish and the light hurts my eyes.
p.m.: I layed out on the porch all afternoon til evening. Mom says I got
sunstroke, and that I have to wear a hat and sunglasses in sunny weather
if I don't want to get sick again. Oh well, I never tan anyway; I always
burn. But I hope never to feel like that again!
The weather is beautiful out today so I've taken paper and pencil out to
sketch. The huge oak tree in the pasture is magnificent! Not much traffic
and the family's pretty quiet so I've planted myself on the porch.
Soon I will be gone from this peaceful place. All my friends will scatter
and my younger sisters and brothers will grow up and I won't be there.
It's an odd feeling to go off on my own, and to have no idea of where my
life is headed. I have to be responsible for myself! I feel so lonely!
and somewhat scared, too.
My sketch is done. The wind is a soft soo-ing through the trees and rows
of corn. The sky is blue with only a few thin clouds here and there. I
can hear one of the neighbors mowing and every once in a while, a plane's
muted roar as it flies overhead. A hawk is riding the air waves, and Lady,
our toy collie, has come to lay next to me. So peaceful! I shall miss
It's always a bit exciting to start school again in the fall. The summer
was long and too hot and humid for me, as usual, and I missed my friends.
The fair was fun but it would be more fun to go with someone than by myself.
I found a beautiful horse on a chain this year at the fair and wear it
often. I've never gotten over my love and fascination with horses! And
I saw R briefly this year - on horseback.
One more freedom in being able to drive! The football game is tonight and
I am going!
The air is crisp, just enough to see your breath and it's already dusk.
The bleachers are full of fans. The seats are hard but we don't mind.
The field lights have been turned on and the pep band has left the field.
The cheerleaders are practicing their rallies. And now the players are
running onto the field. Everyone is cheering and the band is welcoming
The game was exciting! So many goals scored. Plus, I can see and recognize
favorite players in their jerseys. Every once in a while, I get up to
stretch and walk the sidelines and it's easy to spot R among the players.
I had fun and got to see R, too. Boy is it pitch black on the ride home!
I'm glad there's so little traffic on these back roads. It helps to know
all the bumps and turns, too. Night driving is not my favorite! It was
with relief that I turned into our driveway and parked the car.
This math is so confusing! When Mr. G goes over it in class, I understand
it, but as soon as I am on my own and working on the problems, I feel lost.
Geometry is just not my forte! Thank God J is there to help me after class.
But then I'm on my own during tests. This is not going to be my favorite
class. English, on the other hand, is a snap, and being able to work at
my own speed is great! I actually enjoy the assignments and the reading
and writing of reports is no trouble at all.
Today we were asked if we believe in God. My instinctive answer was "NO".
But then I stopped to think. My gut response was to the traditional
definition of 'GOD' - i.e. divine omnipotent being seen by some as loving,
by others as indifferent and by still others as full of brimstone, and
vengeance, to be feared and blindly obeyed and worshipped.
I am too pragmatic to blindly believe in such an essence, let alone
worship such and attribute all the good and bad in the world to it and to
those who follow its dictates and those who don't, reaping their just
rewards or punishments.
But I do believe in the soul and in good versus evil. I believe in
consequences and charity. I believe in destiny up to a point for I feel
that we do have free will to some extent, too. I believe in responsibility
and love and hate and that life is a constant struggle. I believe 'man'
is basically weak morally and that that is part of human nature.
I believe most people use the idea of 'GOD' as a goal to be reached by a
life lived to the betterment of 'man' and doing one's best to live up to
one's ideals of what constitutes good, in one's own mind, heart, and soul,
and in what one perceives to be the ideal of 'man' as a whole. And I
believe that very few ever reach that goal, but should die still trying.
Where does the soul go when we die? Is there an afterlife? I don't know,
but it is possible that the spark that gives us life at birth returns
where it originated when our frail bodies die, and then creates life anew.
--There's going to be a Sadie Hawkin's Dance. I wanted to ask R but was
pretty sure he wouldn't go with me so I've asked J instead. He's nice
but certainly not a love interest. And he doesn't seem to mind that we
aren't all lovey-dovey like so many of the other couples.
..We danced and had mild fun. It was all going nicely til I was invited to
choose a song. I KNOW everyone was expecting a love song and now I feel all
flushed and embarrassed. I chose "Good Morning, Starshine", and now I
feel even more flushed for it is not an easy song to dance to. But J
doesn't seem to mind in the least, so maybe I won't die of embarrassment
I just heard a shocking rumor! It's going the rounds that Mr. E, the cute
youngish physics teacher has been dating A on the sly! Oh boy, this is
trouble! He's got to be at least 10 years her senior and even if he's
single, he should know better than to come around any of his students!
Everybody is waiting to see if he gets fired. I wonder if the rumors are
This must be the week for shocks. On the bus I heard that the girl who
used to live in the abandoned house we just drove by got herself "in
trouble" and that's why the family moved away. I can't imagine having a
baby at age 17. And without a husband, too!
I calmly, almost detachedly, asked R why he treated me the way he does;
why he doesn't like me, why he sometimes hurts me, why he can't appreciate
me. He said I was a nice girl, just not his type. I accepted that
finally. I won't give him any more opportunities to hurt me, either
emotionally or physically. I won't try to talk to him anymore or follow
him with my eyes or try to win his attention, let alone his affection. He
doesn't deserve me. If only I could cut him out of my heart! I am going
to try and understand him. I know he is totally interested in Ch. She
is my complete opposite and totally uninterested in him. He is a 'bad
boy' - chases girls, drinks, brushes school off his back like water off
a duck! Ch is into church, very serious, small, reminds me of a nervous
bird. But she is a nice person, as are the girls she hangs out with. I
have gotten to know them and now divide my free time between my own click
and this new one. The 2 groups looked at each other warily and, at first,
I thought I would lose my click by hanging out with them, but haven't
completely. It's just that we're all interested in different things and
our interests are leading us all in separate directions. I wonder if we
will keep in touch when we are all graduated...
There was a pep rally in the gym today and the guys did a skit, dressed
up like cheerleaders! It was hilarious! T sure has guts! He had
basketball-sized breasts. After the skit, they all shot hoops and we in
the stands cheered wildly. Hope the game tonight goes well.
I love watching basketball! The drum beats, cheering, whistle blasts,
squeaky shoes, the ACTION, the scores and near-misses, the glistening
skin of the sweating players, the crowd. I like being a part of it,
whether we win or lose.
--My motto: "UP AND AT 'EM" Don't be a doormat, NEVER let someone
abuse me or my loved ones, do my utmost for my loved ones and friends,
be responsible, reliable, and honest, never hurt others deliberately,
do unto others as I would have them do unto me, do my best always, and
be the best I can be, and don't complain all the time! And absolutely
STOP mooning over R !!
My heart is singing!!!
Today R asked to drive me home after school. I didn't say yes right
away. I thot it might be another ploy to hurt me. But finally I said
okay. We sang with the radio during the drive and it was fun. But
then he drove right past my house and down the long hill before parking.
My heart sank as I expected yet another painful rejection and trick.
When he had parked, he sat there, looked at me, and said "The action's
over here." But I was frozen. Then he got out of the car and went to pet
a neighbor's dog. I got out, too, knelt down and fondled the dog's ears
and called it sweetheart. And R asked why I never spoke to him that way!
I didn't tell him that I called him that in my mind and heart.
Then we went back to the car and, to my surprise, he drove me back up the
hill to my house before driving away.
My step had a lilt to it and my face was full of smiles, but they didn't
last. After choir, R ignored me. And then I knew. I remembered letting
slip with a "friend" how I felt about him, and how I fantisized about him
being my "first". SHE HAD TOLD HIM! I was devastated!
Yesterday had been a ploy after all to see what I would do. Serves me
right! I know better, knew better! He has known for years how I felt,
but made it clear that small and small-boned and thin were his type, and
I am none of those. I set myself up. Thank God I didn't do more than
sing and smile! Of course, he knew that I had gotten my hopes up, but
my reserve and dignity kept him from knowing how deeply he hurt me, as did
J blew up at me. He has always been a good friend and can't stand to see
me make a fool of myself over R. J and I have the occasional date, but as
friends, or so I thought! I honestly didn't know he cared about me that
way! And the awful part is that even now that I know, I still can't see
J in that light. He will always be just a friend that I respect and
admire, but no more. I wish the heart was smarter when it comes to loving
Gods! I'm still shaking! I had a horrible dream! It started with an
unresolved nasty fight with my parents. It got to be so intolerable that
I packed my most treasured things and moved into a roominghouse.
Once there, I found that my room had been (and still was being) used by
a couple with a toddler. They came and went as they chose and there was
no privacy. (The windows looked down on a neighborhood theatre on one
side and a park on the other.) It appeared as though I was distantly
related to them and, at last, they left and I was alone. I felt like I
was in a daze. I felt numb. Then the landlord came in and wanted to
explain how I was to care for his rare plants. I insisted I didn't
want to be held responsible for them. He began to take them away, but also
to exchange pieces of furniture in my room.
I didn't care. I was emotionally so tired.. I lay down on my bed. When
I awoke, the windows were boarded shut, the plants were gone, but so, too,
were all my most treasured things, including my clothes.
I was devastated. This was too much! First I lost my family and then what
little I had with me! I began to cry heart-rending sobs. The landlord
took pity on me and I was allowed to search for my things.
Then the boardinghouse took on endless dimensions, full of things the landlord
had collected over the years, and some places were dangerous.
The dream ended while I still searched and others searched with me. I
found similar things but not my own, and somehow knew that it would be
wrong and dangerous to take anything not truly mine. I awoke and it wasa
long time later before I could stop shaking and sobbing.
Well, Mr. E has stopped teaching. And A has dropped out of school. It's
too much. And on the bus today, I heard that one of my acquaintances,
whose brother is best friends with one of my brothers, is pregnant! She's
my age! PREGNANT! I noticed that lately she wasn't acting as bubbly as
before, but I didn't think much about it. Then, today, she dropped into
the seat next to me and we started talking a little. She asked if I'd
heard and then confirmed it. She's going to keep the baby. The guy who
got her in trouble has turned his back on her, but her family is
supporting her. At least she has them!
Life is so confusing! And consequences so crushing! I like her. I hope
she makes it. She sure has to grow up quick!
Oh God, the bus driver committed suicide! He simply shot himself and
noone knows why. I saw him and waved a greeting just the other day and he
seemed just as usual then. I just don't understand it! Why was he in
I know that feeling. I've often wondered if death is the only way out of
unhappiness. Sometimes it seems so. I hate conflict! It makes me
physically ill. But sometimes, the unhappiness, the hopelessness, is so
strong that it seems the only way to find peace is to end life. Often I
wish I had a confidante. Sometimes being the listener gets to be too
much of a burden. Sometimes it is very hard to keep on smiling, to keep
on caring, to accept responsibility for someone else's confidences. I
think it needs to be more of a two-way street. That would be a fairer
situation. But then life isn't very fair, is it?
Oh, I'm so excited! The choir is going on a special trip and I was one
of those chosen to go. I stood in the stands, watching and praying that
I would be one of the chosen ones and our conductor stared at me and through
me several times before finally calling my name. I don't care that I
wasn't first pick; I get to go!!
It was wonderful! We travelled by bus for several hours. I didn't get bus
sick! Everybody was talking and laughing and singing until we finally
arrived. It was the biggest lofted nave I've ever been in. A pretty
cathedral, on the outside, too. There were over a thousand choir members
there. We practiced over and over and finally, sang all together, there
in the church.
Oh, what a beautiful sound! And to be a part of it! I shall never forget
it! I'm so glad I joined the choir. Music is food for the soul and the
spirit, at least for mine!
This morning I was on pins and needles. The Honor Society was inducting
new members. They wander through the classes and tap the chosen on the
shoulder. Several in my class were chosen before I felt a tap on mine.
I felt proud and relieved. It would have been terrible to see all my
friends with high grade point averages get chosen and not be chosen myself.
We were all given a special pin signifying our membership. Wonderful!
Only two weeks of high school left. Today I am getting my hair done for
my graduation picture. And Mom and Dad are paying...
Well, I hate it! It makes me look even fatter! Since Mom and Dad paid,
I don't feel right washing it out before the pics are taken. Oh why did
I ask for it?!
I've got a pretty dress and my hair is up. J will be here
soon. He always looks great in his suit. I'm one of the lucky ones. I
have a date. I know this night is more special for alot of the couples
who are 'real' couples, but I'm glad to be here, too. J and I had our
picture taken and we've danced and had dinner. After the King and Queen
are chosen, we're all going bowling. I'm not good at bowling, but it's
fun anyway, just being out so late with my friends. Everyone is in high
spirits and looking their best.
I got my graduation pictures today. They are horrible! I am so
embarrassed! But what's done is done. I wonder if anyone will want one..
At least I like the senior ring - silver color with a blue stone. Kinda
bulky, but pretty even so.
I found my graduation outfit today. A short skirt with matching bolero
jacket, oatmeal in color, with a dark brown shirt for contrast, and white
sandals. Doesn't look bad.
Only 4 days to go!
J gave me a charm bracelet! I was so surprised and embarrassed for I have
not gotten him anything. The bracelet has our 'year' as the charm. Very
I gave J a really nice pen today, but I still feel guilty for not thinking
of it earlier, especially when I couldn't resist giving R a present. Oh,
when will I ever learn?
My outfit looks fine but I'm so hot with the robe over it!...
Well, graduation with honors and a grant for college. I'm still not sure
I want to go, but agreed to give it a try if accepted and the only one I
applied to said 'yes'. Mom and Dad gave me a set of luggage and a typewriter,
so I'm all set. I wish I felt more excited about going.
S called today to ask me to a movie. I said okay. He's picking me up at
8:30. I don't know him at all but am willing to try it once.
...Yuck! Double yuck!! First he takes me to a drive-in with a movie about
rats! Then he asks to kiss me good night and slobbers all over me! Triple
S called again today. He wants to go steady! After one date! He's
going into basic training in a month and wants someone to write to. I
said thanks, but no thanks! Quadruple Yuck!!! I still have to rub my
mouth over and over at the memory! SHUDDER!
Summer is half over and today I got a letter from my roommate-to-be. She
sounds nice and is half Guatemalan. That's interesting! Maybe college
will be okay after all. I would LOVE to meet some foreigners!
Only one week of work left before I leave for college orientation. I am
interested but still not excited.
My roommate-to-be hasn't written again as I hoped. Maybe I opened up too
much in my letter to her. I remember my first pen pal never wrote back...
I wish the outside me better mirrored the inside me! Fat with glasses
is not very appealing! Plus, I know I'm a bit naive. She sounded a lot
more sophisticated and insightful in her letter, plus she's gorgeous!
Well, I'm all packed and ready to go. It's an hour and a half's drive
away and Mom and Dad are driving me. I look around at the house and yard,
the fields, the view downhill and the sky. It will be very strange to
live and study and just be in a different place with thousands of other
kids and no parents or family to go home to.
I don't know what to expect, whether to be apprehensive or excited. I
guess I am a little of both. Mom and Dad are as calm and matter-of-fact
as ever which helps me to stay calm, at least superficially.
I will miss my sisters most of all. We have become good friends these
last few years.
These years in the country have been good ones for me. They gave me the
room and peace I needed to become more sure of myself and to grow up a
This time it's only me who's moving on. It will be interesting to see
what life holds in store. It's my job now to shoulder the responsibility
for myself and not disappoint my parents in my conduct.
Look out world! Here I come! "UP AND AT 'EM" I wish that had come out
in a less shakier tone...
COPYRIGHT 2002 MARCIA J. MAREN VILHJALMSDOTTIR
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED